Trials and Temptations

Lately I've learnt that being a faithful believer has no point if I can't befriend peacefulness.

I clearly can't convince everyone about faith and principle I refer to, and I used to think it was the hardest part while practicing changes. But then to keep on walking on the path I've chosen, even without really caring about what other people think, gives a different kind of challenge.

Maybe that's the whole point, kalau proses untuk istiqomah sendirian punya sensasi tersendiri. Sometimes bothering is needed solely to make sure we're still on track, not to start such endless battle of making everyone to be on the same page.

So, yeah, that's about it.

See Beneath Temporary Life

Remembering death may guide our soul to peace. To realize how world does not appeal to immortality, leads us to preparation for the afterlife. To think about our purpose of life, ignores unnecessary pressure and stressful obstacles that we are not going to carry even on the last moment we close our eyes.

Sometimes we decide not to care about how we are going to 'live' after we die, for mundane greed has partially consumed us. Because deep down deep inside out subconscious mind, we are sort of liking the idea that we do not just live to eat-poop-sleep-repeat, but for something else beyond this impermanence.

Sweet Sweet Vain

By this vain I continue enjoying the sensation of being faithful, in the midst of unsureness but with a dot of hopes tickling my desire to shout for an answer. And in my dreams I whisper patience a couple of times: for Allah is the only one left even if longing starts eating me alive.

Are We All Lost Stars?

I have been listening to Adam Levine’s Lost Stars from Begin Again the movie covered by BTS' one and only cutie pie, 전정국. To be honest, I never knew that the song was exceptionally beautiful. Not because of another handsome guy from magical K-pop industry singing it, the lyric is just flawlessly melancholic that can even make you cry either if you are philosophical-minded or you have a cotton-candy heart.

I am not going to do a song review. Some lines of the lyric just had me treasuring the bottom of my heart.

“Reaching out for someone I can’t see”

I am a kind of person who debates with myself, keeps on arguing and concludes it for my own satisfaction. I do brainstorm to my closest ones pretty often, but keeping things alone is sometimes much more preferable. I do understand if there are many people out there who think that ‘my own thought is the most comfortable place’ because that is what I do to comfort me. Sounds so self-centered, doesn’t it?

In contrast, when this soul finally reaches the peak of loneliness, I realize that I long to meet an unknown figure to talk to about stuffs; meaning as deep and intimate conversation that is priceless and irreplaceable (I can never thank mellow novels and dramas that grow this stupid and cheesy delusion in me, it just happens).

There are times when I feel lonely as hell, no matter how crowded the bus I am walking into or how many times my cell has been beeping for message notification. There are times when I just want to sit for hours with a one-of-a-kind companion, exchange thoughts by talking and listening to each other, and be blinded by adoration of eyes that see world in different ways. There are times when I sing to reaching out for someone I can’t see probably because I keep expecting an imaginary companion to take a look at my individual side, instead of me trying to bravely offer my whole soul to anyone.

“God, give us the reason that youth is wasted on the young”

A classy situation of blaming others will always happen when we cannot get our goals, purposes, expectations, hopes, and wishes perfectly achieved. Sometimes a cruel life is just an excuse for us to keep nagging and complaining. Sometimes it is a waste of time to be naïve and act positively like nothing is wrong. Sometimes you nag not only to a person, but to God as well.

“Who are we, just a speck of dust within the galaxy?”

We tend to think that we know everything just like Sherlock believing that he owns a Mind Palace, though in the end we have to admit not knowing something. This world is just so extremely huge.

It is really easy to lay on the ground under a starry night sky to prove how big this universe is by counting the stars. Same goes to the effort to even try counting hair on your head.

Dealing with the situation when you have to admit that you are invisible or incapable to show your existence, is just the hardest. I believe that most of the times we tend to heal our wounds and vulnerability with arrogant pride, and looking up to the unpredictably huge galaxy instead of looking down to closest ground we have always been stepping on.

Maybe most readers will think that nothing is really superb in this song lyric. But some parts of the song just makes me feel sad sometimes while listening to it, as these parts brought me goose bumps and moved me from my bed to sit and write about this song.

Keen Sting

As I began writing in the middle of midnight, I suddenly and randomly remembered an awesome line from a movie Harry Potter and Half Blood Prince, Albus Dumbledore once said, “To be young, love is a keen sting.” and that is saying something. I even stayed up tonight wondering about this and thought that his line was well said.

If I relate that line with real life case example, I personally think (and feel) that some people tend to grow and express their ‘ego’ when it comes to showing any kind of affection to other people whom they are concerned about. Most of them forget to do the math about possibilities of sting they probably will get. For example, a 10 years old boy comes to a girl’s house he has crush with, while bringing a pretty sunflower from her mother’s garden without any permission. After he arrives he gives the flower to the girl, saying some sentences that according to the girl are obviously cheesy and not romantic, to confess his feeling that probably makes the girl super awkward and uncomfortable. She accepts the flower without giving any pleasant response. The next day when they both meet in school cafeteria, the girl does not even want to make an eye contact because she’s afraid that the boy will ask her to fill the hole of expectation in his heart.

From the girl’s side, she understands that someone must express their feeling, but does not understand why the boy has to go that way and she does not like it. From the boy’s side, he just does not understand why he receives such rejection.

Back to topic, the ego has started to show right after the boy picks up sunflower from his mom’s garden, and being repeated when he decides to confess about his feeling to the girl although he is not a hundred percent sure about it. Like, he does not even know what ‘style of confession’ the girl digs.

Then I was wondering, why do some people just simply assume and soon become over-confident with their assumptions, yet their foolish expectations for a support to agree with?

And then after a lot of day-dreaming, and line of arguments with mom as she said that my way of thinking was too weird to be spoken, I admitted that I was such a moron to think that way (and then I decided to write this to clear out the fact the I WAS a moron).

Of course, humans tend to believe that they should express what they feel about someone, especially when it comes to giving affection to people who they care about. I once wrapped up that this matter would express people’s ego more than the affection itself. It was sort of like that because I thought I didn’t need one, until one day I stood on a path where I should check out a map to affection-land to lead my way straight forward in order to pour my fondness out. And then I just knew I was wrong. I was being that 10 years old boy I talked about earlier.

And Albus Dumbledore has spoken a well-said line which I strongly support at the moment. Love stings. But maybe if the actor, actress, and the storyboard imply extended supports of expectation fulfillment, it is possible to be one nice and gentle keen sting.

Just a Common Human's Dissatisfaction

One day I was walking along with someone I know pretty close, just for an evening sightseeing and two cones of ice cream. As we were talking about random things relating to our surroundings—such as why wind does not have any color, or why people find it odd if two guys holding hands—she then opened up a discussion about her perspective on a strong reason for believing to God and religion practices.

According to her personal statement, she thought that one should always remain to refer to whatever the religion talked about God, since it would lead people in this world to peaceful life. She implied that those without this kind of belief may face confusions and further mental depressions in a long run. I wasn’t sure about what she read for gathering relevant information. All I knew she was thinking and observing a lot about so many things that she often came up with her own assumptions before discussing it with anyone around.

“What kind of concrete example that crossed your mind?” I curiously asked—because her statement is too obviously common since most people must have believed in their religion too.

“Well,” she licked her ice cream while we were walking forward under pine trees, “don’t you know that more than half people in this town, no, in this world perhaps, have gone through numerous dissatisfactions every single day, which lead to stress and depression because they can’t accomplish something in this world?”

I nodded. She continued, “It shows that they haven’t a hundred percent committed to trust their God in the end. They still put world’s business first, and not able to surrender. I, for one, think that whenever humans remember their God often and let Him do the rest, they will always live a bit, or a lot more, peacefully compared to those who put world’s business first.” 

There was a total silence as we were falling into our own deep thought and deliciously licking to our own ice creams. After approximately five seconds she continued,“Because God doesn’t require mortal stuffs neither something temporary, but everlasting faith on Him.” and a total silence did occur again up until we finished our ice cream.

A few weeks after the evening chat, I met her again in a different afternoon situation. We sat on a bench and she started talking about her internship application a month ago, feeling annoyed and fully disappointed after reading a letter of rejection the day before.

“So you’re upset, then?” I asked her. At the same time I was wondering if my question was too stupid to ask, as her expression could noticeably tell how much she wanted to enroll in that job position even if it was just as an intern.

“I am, of course. It’s not that I am an absolute concluder, but I’m pretty sure that most applicants don’t even put numerous working experiences like I’ve done on my CV.” She exhaled. “I cried a lot last night. I even wondered if I had done anything disappointing regarding to my skill and well-being, which makes me think I shoulda been accepted.”

She exhaled, yet again. Then I carefully asked her, “Have you talked to God through prayers?”

“I have. But no answers have comforted me.”

I starred at her for some seconds, feeling surprised before I could conclude the main point of her story and point of view: she proved that she was right about God and religion practice talk that evening a few weeks before. Such proven statement was then clear with concrete example of case by thinking that her suggestion was better than God’s final decision. 

I wondered if then she lived peacefully with her own perspective of dissatisfaction.

Buntu

ada kata yang tiada sanggup mendeskripsi
tak mampu jua menjelma tiru ekspresi

lalu kalbu sadar diri
akal hanya tak ingin mengerti
sudah lelah akan makan hati

To Come Back

Before I arrived in Malaysia to start new semester of college, I was trying so hard to think about what I should post in my blog, or even if I once had an idea I couldn't even start to type. I thought it was because I didn't have to do so many assignments formed in papers or essays so that my brain felt like stopped hard working as holiday kept on going. 

And now I still haven't started doing anything for my upcoming assignments (yes I just arrived here a week ago or so but I already know what kind of assignments I should be doing for the whole semester just after one or two first classes LOL) and I instantly feel awkward as I'm typing on this white plain field for new post. I oddly forget how to 'just write' anything (maybe this is such along-term effect for having unproductive days on last 2 months holiday). I even did late-post my poem a couple of days ago because didn't really have any brand new things to share but I felt like wanting to just post something lol. 

I'm entering second week of my third semester but I don't really feel like coming back, yet. Hectic days of dealing with meetings for welcoming new students won't do. Pages of papers and essays may become a buzzer to slap me and wake me up to face reality.

Uni Life So Far, People and Happiness

It's just a couple of week since I started my second semester of uni life but then I already can conclude something about.......various kinds of people that you can find in college, probably? (Hope this isnt too premature)

College or uni, isnt like high school at all (YAIYALAH) whether if you see it from how lecturers deliver materials by lecturing or simply on how to deal with many many many kinds of peeps. Well, maybe this post isnt really universal since I'm mainly talking about how it feels like to make friends with people from overseas but I'm pretty sure colleges are pretty similar, if it comes to comparing with high school lol. Maybe it's mainly because after the lecture time is over everyone just rushes outta class to do their own stuff; sleep at dorm, go to library, dealing with school's dean, having club's meeting for latest project etc. Or.....maybe...if someone goes to college, does it mean that they have a bigger curiosity compared to what they have back when they were younger, since the stereotype says that college is all about being mature? That's what I have in mind, at the moment. And my own thought leads me to questions and questions, how people can act so nice and pure, or even too evil and mean, or maybe being two-faced at the same time.

 

College's ambience in general (esp. college with dorms) automatically asks the students to kindly help each other, whether they like it or not. Of course it happens in places where you can find other people with same nationality as you. Here in my campus you will never wanna know how many Indonesians who are at least currently studying in this jungle university. It's a definition of A LOT. And most of them are so kind and helpful. Most of them care enough for other students to lean on. I believe it is all about having the same goals, purposes, feelings and understandings that one community may have, although for some reasons both-sides always exist especially in human's personality. People dont always love.

People who dont always love can refer to those who get judged easily by society, although the rest already know that rumors arent always true from the very first impression. But then other society (I draw out a lotta group of people in my mind hahaha since there are literally a bunch of cliques and communities in campus) silently agrees that it aint the 'dont love' that becomes wrong, but secretly deep inside they just hate the feeling of not being loved. Some people just feel like they need to be accepted, respected and etc. It's not only about "Damn she's so mean I hate her." but mostly about a lotta haters do feel they want a better treatment. That why (probably) some people hate the feeling of being hated, although those people arent hated actually, but those people just dont see the unseen spreading love that isnt shown yet. Like what I wrote about my thought earlier, college's stereotype is about being mature and somehow maturity needs acceptance.

And yes, I do feel so these years ever since I stepped in junior high up until now when I'm being in college.

It's not only me but people in ambience like this may feel like they surely love kind people, surely hate mean people, or even surely become two-faced also! But I dont blame (or support) in any sides not because I wanna be a neutral person cus somehow being neutral is boring. I choose being happy, and maybe the rest out of good-bad categories choose the same way. A happy person will automatically be kind if he/she is among kind people. Same situation also happens if a happy person is among mean people. You know, I learn this from SpongeBob's way of living that I found in Google: laugh out loud all day without any reason (it doesnt make you insane, trust me *finger crossed*) and annoy mean people with your happiness. Yes it does work.

I personally see things in my current living atmosphere in that way, maybe it is true or vice versa. I may have many people who are going to agree with me after finding out the piece of my mind but it doesnt mean that there are not gonna be some people who feel offended afterwards. Lol. Sometimes disclaimers are fun to deal with since all they can do is correcting us to be somebody better.

I strongly agree that college is not about digging broaden knowledge from textbooks, but also about this gripping social phenomenon.

Holy Grail

Hi.

I do feel awkward typing on my own blogger field.

The reason why I decided to start writing again is probably mainly because I just realized that Ive been loving writing for years for a hundred times. And when I do feel sooooo excited to hugkiss my blog again after months it only makes me wonder, why would I ever stop writing?

Well you know it maybe sounds a lil naive because deep inside my heart I ever feel like I recently dont really like the 'old me' when I used to go to mum to complain about this short life, to my friends to borrow their shoulders to cry, and even to blog to write down things about my personal life which I DID think that people really should know. I believe that everyone has ever felt that way, ever sometimes hate a part of their vulnerable and easily change human hearts. But for some reasons that I cant even explain, as I feel like I'm getting older and soon will kiss a social label they put to a teenager who pretends to be all mature called 'adult', I realize that I've learned more than a lot from things Ive experienced in life. Well, my life, and other people's life. Every lil thing Ive acted on must lead me to what I'm becoming now, and now I do know that so far I respect and love myself better than several years ago, when I went to school from 7 to 3 and did more laughing than studying. So now I often think that, why would I even bother thinking that I should repair any broken piece I experienced in the past? That thought just lead me back here, my holy grail (well, beside books, internet connection and mascara) formed as a site called Blogger.

I feel like, I really should write again with different kind of writings since I'm now a college student which people can expect that I can be slightly smarter than several years ago. Thats why I deleted most of my posts hahahaha no no dont get me wrong! Frankly, I love most of my writings lol but most of them dont really fit my way of thinking at the present time either. But I still leave some posts about good good memories I had back when I was in school, when I was just happily vulnerable as a teen and liked to smile too wide because of the braces and my friends often made fun of my cheeks. Thats why, I'm writing again even though I dont really give a damn to disclaimers or anonymous or other blabla people whom I dont encourage to visit my site cause I do what I love. And writing here again seems so exciting like it's the very first time I create a fresh and new blog.

In case somebody out there is wondering how different I am now compared to myself years ago, Im now just a second semester college student that goes abroad, and still cant sleep in this quiet midnight, and will be having 9 to 5 schedule for classes tomorrow, and currently feeling awkward in my own account.

Passion & Spirit

Here I am, with my lovely laptop in front of me and now playing Jason Mraz's I Won't Give Up song on repeat cause I must stay on full passion spirit track. Wanna know why? I'm gonna break it down to y'all anonymous readers.

I'm having a very haaarrrddd time rite now! What's been happening in one last month is hectic school weekdays while talking about endless tasks and home works and university and gossips and scandals and blablabla. I'm even having a sociology research about prostitution (which is the 'girl' refused to be questioned! hah) and I'm on my way doing the field job. And also about....entrepreneurship that makes me errrr T.T I really have to wake up and realize that I must sell macaroni schotell and become a fake entrepreneur, then make the report from that activity, with my team. And the most bittersweet task is.....gotta be.......doing every little thing about year book photo schedule.

It's so damn hard to work as a team cause u can never make 1001 voices into one. Personally, I consider myself as an uptight inside and that's why hearing a non professional talk either schedules makes me sick! Sometimes it's not about how less competence that we can see overall, but all of these disturbers are sometimes coming as external causes. But y'all need to know! I'm damnly sure that after the yearbooks are handed over to my friends, me and the rest of committees will be fully satisfied cause what was sacrificed for goods would always be satisfying. Plus, I'm always happy being in hectic and busy week (although still....working as a team is neveeerr easy for me). InshaaAllah :')

So that I'll sing I Won't Give Up on my mind again and again to stand up my passion of doing every task with very big passion and spirit. I know I can.

Is Woman A Sensitive Creature?

What I know as long as I live is, when I get along with (for example) a broken hearted girl, hell u absolutely know what she gonna do: CRY A LOT. And I have never seen a boy does that (well in case someone has seen it.).

If anyone asked why do woman always gets more sensitive than man, I haven't found the answer yet. So, I google-ed it and got many absurd explanation like this one: (source: http://www.revolutionhealth.com/forums/womens-health/minds/98311 )

"The left side of the brain controls language. The right side of the brain controls emotions. The reason women are more sensitive than men is because a woman's brain fibers are 23% thicker than men's, allowing them to be able to use both emotion and language at the same time, while men can't. In short, men aren't able to use emotions and language at the same time. So ladies, if a man doesn't understand your emotions don't get mad. It's all in our heads, literally."

Maybe that book title I saw in book store was true, 'Why Woman Talks and Man Walks' lolzzzz.