Amongst Griefs

i envy softness in deepest gloom
far much to the bottom of soul

there goes a tip
and a lively feathery greeting
gracefully stroking with its fluff

to be called as calmness
tuning down lunatic mushy snore
each strand tears my inner open

and clog for we have holes in our hearts
tickling expectations no more

such desire i by far fail to reach
and the last breath calls names i carry
to the eternal softness i shall await

written on December 1 2017

Analogy of an Unspoken Jam

when the ground is smeared with warmth of morning sunbeam
it never bothers the sun to ever do
yet it still does

when the sky is painted with sparks of night lights
it never bothers her to express such adoration
yet she still does

because when everyone is looking away
ground surrenders to the beauty of sun
as sky gives in to the colorful night:

witnessed by her who can only draw an analogy of an unspoken jam

Written on March 31 2017

Kekelaman yang Matang

aku menyaksikan matahari lebur jadi abu
tepat sebelum kelopak mata gagah membuka
setelah disuap racun pahit dalam gulita pada kalbu

pijar matahari kemudian memudar
sesudah kehilangan kesempatan yang sungging luka
pun tersadar ialah sukar

tak jua sempat tergoda
aku tertidur sepanjang masa
bayanganku redup tanpa jeda

Buntu

ada kata yang tiada sanggup mendeskripsi
tak mampu jua menjelma tiru ekspresi

lalu kalbu sadar diri
akal hanya tak ingin mengerti
sudah lelah akan makan hati

Vainly Flat

I'm feeling a little bit weird recently. There is something missing in me which I have no idea how to complain because I just know nothing about this whatsoever missing piece. What I can describe is a kind of emptiness that sleep cant heal, neither food can fix. I know it is on a high level but I cant explain any deeper about how it feels anymore. If anyone asks me to pick the best word to describe, it will probably be a word: Flat (even though I do still realize it is not really that word).

But if I do a little throwback.......

I saw a light in the middle of pouring rain upon a night. A flawless brightness that had oddly attracted parts of me once again. I knew rain made me glum often. I thought it was because I sensed warmth by cold raindrop. Before I flew away to upper level of heaven, dark sides of me started kicking away my imagination. Because that one warmth was something I would never be able to touch.

Then my beating heart just got back to normal thump and felt like nothing happened. I felt just okay.

A few days later after fantasizing a lot, I ended up being trapped in my daily routine. A same old table with plugged laptop and buncha lectures notes. For any reason outside human logic I randomly turned my head away my assignments and I caught a squeezable smile far away. I was amazed that a quick tiny little smirk could construct a flowery heart of mine. As well as a good good sleep I supposed after I went back to my dorm at 9:30pm.

Now I'm finally here, trying to relate what I've been feeling with what I knew in recent throwback. I suppose the unseen 'a few days ago smirk' is the reason why crowded place feels so quiet. I suppose I need a light. But I also suppose that even if I suppose, not a notion can afford helping me stop supposing in vain.

Then I get back to my assignment in the middle of blogging time, trying to push a word flat away, hoping that I will randomly capture any other light which able to shine some dark sides (will still hoping even if I should wait for the next pouring rain moment).