I’m actually contemplating whether I should write either in English or Indonesian for this post, because I always prefer to write like this in my own blog but then I remember you once said you were too lazy to read my blog posts because of the language-_- Even though I never once doubt your understanding and ability on this, but I really don’t want you to be lazy to read this special writing for you, so maybe I’ll mix some sentences a lil bit. So please read carefully because I really mean every word.
I’m writing this when my life is so unorganized (yes my room is a mess since I don’t have time to clean up because even if I do I’m too exhausted), too busy to live (yes my assignments are waiting to be finished but organizational tasks and duties are endless works), and too sick to have normal days (yes I can’t get rid of this flu). There is always only one person whom I turn to completely honestly whenever I end up being in a situation like this: Mama.
November has been…..pretty much like beautiful nightmare for me. I never imagined that I could be this busy: accepting any kinds of responsibilities and duties offered to me. I’ve been in such hectic days and weeks for I’m too stressed sometimes, tapi Alhamdulillah masih dikasih kesempatan buat being happy and thankful no matter what, bahkan dikasih kesempatan untuk ketawa-ketawa sendiri di kamar (?) Sampai akhirnya terjadi sesuatu yang sangat tidak mengenakkan buat semua orang, terutama buat orang yang banyak kerjaan. I don’t know what’s wrong with me but these days I’ve been suffering with flu and once was fever. For whatever the causes were, I hated being sick! Like seriously, did really hate. Last Friday when I got fever I just laid on my bed, wearing long pants and sweat-jacket even I just got a fan in my room. I couldn’t do any psychological therapy to get back to life so that I would be able to start doing my works. Terlalu banyak hal terhambat hanya karena tubuh yang sakit, kemudian jadi stres. But the only option that had always been there was, calling you.
“Demam, nak?”
The moment you just asked that one simple yet basic question, I couldn’t help my eyes from falling tears. I realized that I wasn’t just missing you so bad but I wanted to have your existence next to me. This will be the very first time I’m telling this to the world, but that time I really wanted to knock your room at home in the middle of the night, and sleep with you and Papa for I-got-fever-so-let-me-sleep-with-you reason. I think I did cry that day, but I intended to hold it because I was afraid shedding tears would weaken me more.
I knew that you were somewhere with your friends ibu-ibu kantor atau rekan sejawat lainnya because I could hear from the crowd you were not phoning at home. And also I knew it clearly when you were speaking to me and your friends talked to you too, you suddenly told them in Minang language,
“Sabanta, anak wak sadang damam!” then I heard those ibu-ibu saying “Ooooohhh.”
And after you told me to look for medicines and reminded me to rest well, eat a lot and drink milk (why milk? I wanted iced coffee huhu), we ended the phone call and I started to rest my head on the pillow. I once again tried to hold my tears. Fathya terlalu sakit untuk sekedar stress seputar tugas, Ma. Then I just knew I missed you so bad and admitted homesick hit.
This one latest hell-moment leads me to wonder that ever since I first entered college life I’ve always tried to be yes-man, and never once wanted to look down on my own self. By believing that kind of understanding I’m now stepping on this path, taking risks and challenges. I haven’t even finished most of my works but I know that at the end of the day, I have to endlessly thank you for this, Ma. It is you who teaches me to just-go-for-it in most of every good situation. Mulai dari disuruh makan apa aja tanpa harus takut sama timbangan (“Udahlah kalo masih mau makan tandanya tubuh kamu butuh energi!”), sampai ke masalah kesempatan belajar dari organisasi kampus untuk alasan pengembangan diri. I remember one of your texts when I consulted about whether I should take one particular opportunity or not. You didn’t write too long for an advice, so now I can easily retype my favorite line of yours that makes me feel great even up until now:
“Karena challenge itu hanya diberikan kepada orang-orang yang dianggap bisa, tinggal kita memanfaatkan peluang untuk belajar.”
Then I learned a lot just by reading your text message.
I’ve been thinking about how to live future life whenever I look up to you. I dream of living more or less like a life you’re living now, Ma. You are truly an incredible mother and wife as I’ve been living this life for 19 years and seeing you almost every day of my human being. You’ve been a super duper great mother for nurturing me and Fali with warm love and affection. You really are that “Uuuuu sini peluk duluuu” type of mother and I admit it is fun to see you doing that, even though it is a bit awkward if you do it to Papa (?) You are a person whom I can tell everything honestly, frankly, completely, as I always get positive yet wise response from it. You have been the number one on my top list role model
Talking about future life, I suddenly remember something super random that I feel I need to add on to this post, it is about you who loves teasing me about boys around me. Questioning whom I currently like, trying to make me open up to discuss about my type for man preferences-_- We even discuss a lot about how to get the right soul mate for me hahahahahaha I get annoyed sometimes but it has been fun, though. But then on a situation like this, when I’m getting older as people expect me to be more mature—and as I am at the moment missing you—I’ve been wondering, what if I want to keep you as my ‘soul mate’ forever? What if I just want myself to need you to take care of me, to inspire me, to nurture me every single day until I get old? What if I want nobody else to interrupt my life, but you? *and my tears start heavily falling down as I type this, untung roommate udah tidur*
This is the second time I’m not there on your birthday. This is the second time I’m not going to hug and kiss you on the cheeks before or after we have a usual birthday dinner with Papa and Fali. But this time is also going to be my second time to write such deep thoughts about you, ketika tahun lalu Fathya juga ngirim surat ke Mama melalui titipan ke seseorang langsung dari Sintok ke Tangerang.
Happy birthday, Mama. Selamat ulangtahun yang ke ******* PULUH ******* TAHUN (usia disensor). Despite the fact that I’ve mentioned you a lot in my prayer and some say that prayers are better to be kept unspoken for other people, I’m only going to state here that I hope you will always support your children to always be the developed ones who can always make you and Papa proud. Doa-doa yang lain insyaAllah udah didenger Yang Maha Kuasa sebelum Fathya sampaikan ke Mama. And I’m going to endlessly thank you for everything you have done to me, to make me become what I am now at the moment.
Fathya sayang Mama. Ga nangis lagi, kan?